NOT HIM! VOLDEMORT!
by Helen3616
Summary: Voldemort has been dealt a tragic death. Hermione has trouble understanding Harry. And what the hell is that Ginger Guy doing? All in good fun, my pretties!


I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER OR IT'S CHARACTERS! THAT HONOR IS J.K. ROWLING'S!

* * *

It is a well-known fact that all Dark Wizarding Lords love peanuts. However, this year tragedy struck when Lord Voldemort went to munch on his favorite snack and found one of the tasty little treats stuck in his windpipe. He leapt out of his chair and tried to motion to his followers, who were gathered for their monthly Bingo tournament, that he was, in fact choking. Unfortunately for the Dark Lord, the loyal Death Eaters thought that he was trying to do the Time Warp. Delighted that he had seen their favorite movie, they all began to do the time warp around him.

Bellatrix Lestrange was quoted by the Daily Prophet in an interview saying "I just thought he was adding a little bit of his own to it, you know? He always did admire street dancers and I thought he was trying to spin on the ground. Mind you, he failed at that as well, but I wasn't going to say anything. He might've Avada'd me!"

The funeral for Lord Voldemort was to be held the next day at Godric's Hollow, where he was to be laid to rest near his beloved victims, James and Lily Potter. When the aforementioned pair's son arrived at the service with that-red-headed-who-follows-him-around-and-looks-awkward, they were greeted by the sight of Hermione Granger, weeping at the Dark Lord's grave. The pair of them were flummoxed to as why their friend could be crying. (There are reports of Ginger-Friend saying repeatedly, "What is this? What is this?" apparently trying to be a helpful friend, however this information is not verified.)

"Hermione," Harry asked. "Why are you crying?"

"Oh it's simply awful Harry," Hermione said. "You died! And by choking on a peanut! How can something so small and delicious be so…killerly?"

"Hermione, I'm not dead." Said Harry, concerned for his friend's mental health, but all the while marveling that she was such a genius and knew of a word such as killerly.

"Oi Harry!" Said the wanna-be Carrot Top next to him. "They've got a tombstone for you mate!"

Harry took a closer look at the grave Hermione was crying over.

_Harry Potter, _

_That Guy That Died._

"That Guy That Died!" Harry exclaimed. Hermione looked up at the sound of her friend's voice.

"Oh Harry! You're alive! This is wonderful!"

"Of course I'm not dead Hermione! Voldemort died!"

"Ron! Oh no! Not that person!" Hermione, now covered in fresh tears, grabbed her wand and changed the tombstone. It now read:

_Ronald Billius Weasley,_

_The Ron Stoppable to Harry's Kim Possible,_

"Hermione! Not Ron! Voldemort!" Harry cried.

"Oh no! I can't believe it was him!" replied Hermione, even more distraught than before. (That one sidekick guy who looks like a leprechaun was heard saying "I can't believe it's not butter!" Witnesses were couldn't believe leprechauns still existed.) Again she changed the tombstone.

_Vincent Crabbe,_

_Everytime I'll eat crab, I'll think of you, because you ate so much. That's the only reason. You're piggy-ness. Nothing else._

"Hermione! VOLDEMORT!"

Hermione didn't say a word this time, merely choked on her tears and flicked her wand once more.

_Millicent Bulstrode,_

_That time I was Catwoman was the best time of my life, and it's all thanks to your lack of hygiene._

Harry was furious. He grabbed his wand from his pocket, shouting "NOT MILLICENT BULSTRODE! VOLDEMORT!" As he shouted the last part, he cast a spell, allowing him to write out _Lord Voldemort _in kick ass fiery letters.

Hermione screamed when she saw what he had wrote. She pointed her wand at him and yelled "Avada Kedavra!"

Harry fell to the ground, dead.

"Ron! Did you see that! That was Lord Voldemort! I killed Lord Voldemort!"

"Thank Merlin's saggy, saggy pants!" Ron cried. "That dude was awful! He killed EVERYONE!"

"I KNOW, RIGHT!" Hermione replied, overjoyed at their victory.

After several unsuccessful tries resulting in severe mutilitation of the body, The Ginger Daywalker managed to bury a grave for the body. Hermione conjured a tombstone and engraved in it these words:

_Here lies Lord Voldemort_

_That awful, awful man. _

The Red-headed-mutant looked at Hermione with puzzlement.

"Hermione," he said. "Where's Harry."

"I have no idea Ron! How strange!"

"Well…since we're here… all alone…Hermione, will you go out with me?"

"Ron…I'm sorry, but I'm already seeing someone." Here the bookworm began to pace. "You see, I didn't really want to tell you, because I knew you wouldn't approve, but well…I'm seeing the Giant Squid."

"WHAT!" Ron yelled.

"Yes. It's just that Squidward really understands me."

* * *

Hope you all enjoyed this! It's been forever, I know.

Merry Christmas (soon enough)

HELEN


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